😆this is so true
You Might Also Like
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.