Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Well, this is awkward
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.