I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
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My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
A wise man once said nothing.
Chicken bread
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop