[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.