My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Love this guy
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
A drum solo but on your face.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
asking santa clause for nudes
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no