Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection