*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!