I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
shut up and take my money
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter