Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
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Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Go girl power!
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Auto correct is my worst enema.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.