[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
what the
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)