coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
awkward
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us