Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Breakfast for Stoners:
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again