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*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
necessity is the mother of invention