My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
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Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Smile they said.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
This is always good for a laugh.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.