I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want