Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
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My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.