Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.