My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?