Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
yea so i messed up lol
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Nomnomnomnom
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.