Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink