E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
You Might Also Like
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Bros before Ohioes
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!