I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.