Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.