[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
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Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Skills
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.