A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Ha
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.