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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I’m Sold!
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool