Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
ready to be harvested
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
SCARY COSTUME
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.