Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Simple enough.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers