CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
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This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.