Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.