Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
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He just like my cat fr
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.