[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin