I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
#Caturday
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.