Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
This is my pinned tweet
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Cannot stop laughing at this
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.