Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home