No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.