The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I hope this email finds you in a well
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.