Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Sticker placement is key.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
IT’S-A ME,
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.