Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that