Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer![]()
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“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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