Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them