Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.