Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”