MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Any other person cuts their thumb: βExpletive!β
Me, a Catholic person: βExpletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!β
HER: βSo, what should I do now?β
DOCTOR: βInform your partner.β
HER: βI donβt know if I can face him.β
DOCTOR: βYou can write him a note.β
HER: βThatβs a great idea!β
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of βI got your noseβ
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGELβS BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: iβm telling god
AB: iβM TeLLiNg gOd
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, wellβ¦
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos couldβve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My dog ate my work from home.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.