11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I occasionally drink every single night.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Monday?
No. Next question.
Sheep
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice