I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
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How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My blood type is b hungry.
Lmaoo 😂
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Them: Just act casual
Me:![]()
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.