my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
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Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.