Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”