I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house