i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.