@DurtMcHurtt *running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
@katiefzack Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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@DurtMcHurtt 
@BabyFishMouth5 People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
@Chhapiness People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
@TheRolo I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
@Book_Krazy *opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
@thatdutchperson [Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
@xennial_mom Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
@DammitLarry1 My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
@LoveNLunchmeat If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
@AnOrangeSNES If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.