Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.