Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…