Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
what?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
🤣🤣🤣
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?