Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.


I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.


When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”


I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.


The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.


If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.


There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth


I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources


I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.


Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.