Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups