Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.


People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!


I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.


*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound


[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”


Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first


4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that


4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams


My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.


If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.


If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.