While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.