Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
You Might Also Like
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.