Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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I put the h in mysterious.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
23. the denim jacket
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.